i dont know what hurts worse baby.

hey guys, i just finished showering not too long ago because i was jogging and working out around midnight just now. im kinda tired but i'll just keep on writing this entry because i have alot of things to say. this entry is going to be very long but once you read it all, you'll know how i feel. i'll start off with happier things. facebook is really interesting! i took this quiz and apparently it says that i'll be more likely to be attracted to a libra. ziq got libra too! then i realised that people who are born in the starting of october are libras :D. oh and its awesome too because i can keep in touch with my american and aussie friends! i even added teemu on facebook ahhaa. todd, markham and doug keep on giving me silly comments on my wall LOL. you guys HAVE to see it especially todd's comment about guitars on my wall. its damn funny! i guess that proves that i havent been lying about having american friends all this while eh? they're a bunch of funny and crazy people i tell you! :D

anyways i feel very disappointed when i got back from jogging just now because of someone. well i already felt a little disappointed at 4 plus last night but it got worse just now. geez theres no harm in accepting invites on facebook. seriously, why the hostilities after all this while? urgh. i dont know how to feel right now. i read entries from the archives including mine especially around october 2007 and few months ahead. suddenly i remember how often i was sad and heartbroken. i admit it, sometimes i even cried :/. guys DO cry at times. dont believe me? ask your guy friends. guys dont cry often except if something really bad happens to them. i hate those times when i felt like a complete fool. a frickin dumbass.

still, reminiscing about the past will just make me feel worse. thats why i think about the good times instead of the bad times. times when we used to talk often, help each other with our own issues, laugh about silly things, talk about the times when we were in primary school. i even remembered the time when i talked to her until 530am in the morning just to cheer her up even though i just got back, was totally exhausted and my eyes were literally closing by its own every few minutes. heh i remembered me constantly asking her to go shower every few minutes because i wanted to take a short nap ahha :P...

it became totally different soon after. i dont know how two good friends suddenly avoided each other after one of them confessed to the other about his feelings. would you hate your good friend if he/she confesses to you about his/her feelings after all these years? even if you said no, you cant possibly hate your friend and try to avoid him at all costs right? after all, yes or no, you both are good friends before that question. would you block him on msn, delete him on friendster, decline his facebook invite twice, ignore his calls when he wants to sort things out with you and avoid any communication between you two at all costs? im not gonna lie to you, i starting to have tears in my eyes the moment i wrote the previous sentence. it hurts too much to type that all out but its true. how would you feel if you were me and your good friend decided to avoid you at all costs when all you did is just ask the question? atleast talk to me on msn or something.

i told you, i dont even know how it happened. it just happened like that. of all people, it happened to me. ME. what did i ever do wrong for me to deserve this?! i admit, i did lie to her about myself but im not like that anymore. i realised that its so much better being myself. ive always been friendly to everyone. you wanna know whats the worst part? i get treated like that by the person who i considered to be a very good friend last time. fuck im thinking about the bad times again. actually you know what? if she actually came forward by calling me to sort things through, i would respect her decision be it yes/no and i'll gladly wait. what do you think ive being doing all this while? i've been waiting patiently even though we rarely talk to one another. that shows that i never let go no matter what and neither should you. its utterly pointless to be hostile or to be bound by fear.

sometimes i wonder does she even care about me? or is she just making fun of me and laughing at everytime i get sad or try to talk to her. blah im getting carried away which is very pathetic. i think its time to tell you the truth right now: i guess the reason that i dont understand girls is because i never had a girlfriend. only jack, mizi and fairuz knew that i never had a girlfriend all this while. not once. i realised that its the worst lie that i ever told her apart from me not being myself while talking to her. heck i even lied to you guys about having 3 exes. please dont talk to me about that stupid 1 day thing in sec 2 that you guys forced me into. i didnt even talk to the girl and the whole thing lasted a few hours. thats just stupid and i dont want to remember it. anyways i really regret all the lies because last time i was envying jack. i didnt think about what would happen and look at me now. pathetically crying. i never wanted to be in a relationship because im always afraid of getting heartbroken. i think im on the same page as her all this while. its just that she didnt know the truth because im too embarassed to say to her that i never had a girlfriend. people always say that the first love will always be long lasting and is the best. im still trying to go for the first girl that i ever fell in love with. i promised her that i'll never give up and i'll gladly accept her if she changes her mind. i never broke that promise and im not going to anytime soon. someone said to me once 'the key to a long lasting relationship is when both the guy and the girl overcome challenges together. no matter how bad the situation might be, if you both overcome it together the relationship will grow stronger'.

despite all the insults, me constantly being called a loser by my sis and bro for not having a girlfriend and peer pressure i still managed to have no girlfriend all this while. why? because i was frantically searching for her all those years and i never did gave up for 7 years... and im not going to give up now. i dont know why i lied to her. i should've been myself all along, then she would see the real herrizal who isnt mean or a downright jackass. she would've seen the real herrizal who is friendly to everyone and would be there for his friends no matter what. not everything that i said to her was a lie though. i really want to say sorry to her about all the lies. -sigh. listening to 'the man who can't be moved' is making me feel worse so im gonna end this entry. nonetheless if you put that all aside, i still care ALOT for her. no matter how angry/disappointed/sad/ i am, i still do care alot and i wish that its the same thing for her.

People talk about the guy
Who's waiting on a girl
Oh..
There are no holes in his shoes
But a big hole in his world.