I tell you what, I just feel really frickin sad right now and its very hard to actually explain something to someone you dont even get to talk to. but atleast you guys are my ears. I never did change in the first place,the only reason I acted like a..LIKE A MORON when talking to her was just for the sole reason to impress her. now I look back on how I reacted when i talked to her and I see an idiot. I see an idiot who never believed in himself and thought that he would have a higher chance of impressing a girl by not being himself. by acting as if hes someone better. when in the end,that wasnt the brightest of all choices. Now all he gets is the impression that he is a phony. a fake. why the hell did I envy jack and wanted to be SO MUCH like him when all I could do is be myself. you know why? cause I am human. I'm a guy. of course I wanna feel loved once in a while. esp when you've just changed and want to know how it feels like to be actually loved. WHY DID I FUCKING LIE TO MYSELF?! worst still I LIED TO HER man I lied to the person I love alot since pri 5. thats like 6 years ago.. I lied to her about myself of all things..do you know how much it hurts to see someone you care alot and mean alot to you look down on you and think that your all messed up and just acting polite; especially when you spent those years of effort trying to find her back.I'm not like that..I only acted like that at time we talked just cause I thought that it actually impresses people. cause jack was like that and I dont have to say anymore,just look at him. so much for that..i'd be better off being myself in the fucking first place. all those people I hated just because they gave me reasons on why I should just give up,forget about her and go for another girl. still I cant believe that I acted unlike who I am. Its not me to do such things like this yet I dont know what got into me until I had to be someone else to impress others. I dont even know what to say, except that it hurts. alot. I apologise to everyone,including myself. I feel so stupid and angry at myself.. at the same time I feel so crushed right now.
never try to impress others by being someone you're not because at the end of the day, you find out that being yourself had a much better chance of impressing that someone. and dont lie to yourself cause in the end of the day,you're gonna end up crying like me.
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